so, my hiking partner, Parker, is from Seattle.
he tells me how he misses his friends, and is in fact planning to move back next year.
i keep trying to dissuade him from leaving LA, lest i lose my best hiking partner.
but he’s always talking about how great it is up there.

this last weekend he was telling me how great it is for women
because for some reason the women up there are just not that good looking
and you’ll see great looking guys running around with fat, toothless women.

well no, not that bad.
but apparently, water does not seek its own level in the state of Washington.
do you find this to be true?

i told him he would have to invite me for a stay when he moves back
so i can witness this phenomenon for myself.

but, to further  counter his desire to move back, i offered that perhaps
the goodlooking women also happened to monopolize the brains
and so had fled the state in order to escape all those looming, cloud-induced
thoughts of suicide.

Parker ignored my comment and went on to tell me about a rather
large woman (with a pretty face) from Portland, Oregon
who would go online and line up like 10 dates in the Seattle area
for a two week date-cation romp
with hot Seattle men.
ha.

now, how realistic is that?

i gotta take me a trip t’ Seattle!

today i was still calling credit card companies
yesterday being a [fake] holiday and all.

can you believe Garmin can’t do anything to track or
otherwise disable my gps?
insanity… they’re a gps company!

good news is i was able to recover some of my giftcards!
not all of them, but, ya know.
i was able to cancel 3 of them and get them reissued
since i had scanned them into pdf’s about a month ago
(my ocd pays off now and again).

DSW, $50.
Sephora, $43.
Starbucks, $16.

of course, i’m happy they were reissued, but seriously
i would have been pleased with mere cancellation, just so those
thieving a**hole douchebags do not benefit.
dayenu.

the movie tickets are history–$100
as well as my Ross store credit–$16
and who knows what else.
Olive Garden–$20. I had that stupid card for like
4 years and never did use it.
i was getting ready to, though, as i’m running
low on cash lately. oh well.

and here is an account of my lame-ass conversation with a Staples rep:

cs rep #1, i tell her my situation and that i have a copy of
my staples cash card but i’m having trouble
checking the balance online because my b&w scan is hard to read.
i ask if she can help me figure out the

number and that i have the original return receipt from
when the card was issued.
she says another department needs to help me and she places me on hold.
she comes back on the line and tells me she has rep #2 on the line and
has explained the situation to her.
i ask cs rep #2 for help in figuring out the balance.
she asks for the store number, date and original
amount from the receipt, which i give to her.

she asks if i would like to get it reissued.
i tell her yes.  she asks me all
my information such as name, address, phone number
email, etc.

she has to ask each question like 3 times
because she is dyslexic or something
so the whole process including hold time takes like 10 minutes.

when we are done, i ask her to give me the exact balance of the card.
she says it’s zero. i say “it’s zero?” and she says
“Yes, i saw the zero balance when you first gave me the receipt information.”

wtf?!

i tell her then there’s really no point in getting a card reissued if it’s zero
now is there?
she’s perplexed.
you mean you don’t want the card reissued to you?

ftw?

btw, you’ll notice i can not help but (fake) cuss when
referring to those dips**t weasels who broke into Parker’s car and
stole my purse.

i rarely cuss in real life.
not only because the sound of my own voice swearing
is jarring to my ears
but i am just not the swearing type
as evidenced by comments such as “oh, how cute, she’s swearing”
and the deep belly laughs
often elicited as words of profane origin pass my lips.

it is the rare evil and wretched deed that will bring it out in me.
and this certainly be a vile and heartbreaking thing i wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemies

except, of course, on those bull***t motherf***ing a**wipes that stole my f***ing s**t.

i tell you, i can feel the hate rising up in me when i start to think about it
until i get all worked up into a frenzy.
but i must say, where this matter is concerned
i feel extra-free to cuss, especially when writing with stars.

YAY for stars!  :)

it always seems to happen the same way…

you’re coming back from somewhere after a nice time.
you’re joking and smiling and innocently heading back toward
the car (or home or hotel, etc.).
and as you’re reminiscing together about the day, you notice next to the car the
strange and shiny black stuff on the ground, on top of the leaves…
still bantering, but thinking to yourself:
funny, that wasn’t there when we left…

but what is it?

in a second, you’re standing amid it, beside the car, and
as your gaze is drawn upward you realize

ohmigosh.
it’s tinted window glass.

suddenly, you’re looking through the (nonexistent) window
at Parker, who just opened the door on his side of the car and is now
processing that he’s seeing your face en plein air, light as day
when your head  should be but a dark shadow.

.

[enter... time warp]

(looks back at him)

wtf.

(looks down at empty spot where jacket-covered purse should be)

oh.

…

f**k.

(looks again at Parker. our eyes meet, terror-stricken
then revert back to the sad, empty spot.)

f**k!

(still staring in disbelief)

(then,  comprehension)

those f***ing f***heads stole my f***ing purse!!!!!

(jaw drops amid the leaves)

…

f**k!!!!!!!!

(momentary  absence of profanity)

f***ing dirty rat-bastards!!

…

(stares laserbeams at the empty spot)

f**k!!! f**k!!!  f**k!!!

…

ok, get a hold of yourself, emmi…
but, my blackberry!!

breathe deeply….
and my gps!!

just take a moment….
all my awesome gadgets and
perfectly sized zippered pouches and
shiny utilitarian wallet and just-right purse that
took hundreds of manhours of shopping throughout the years to
find “the right ones”!!

…

i   h a t e   h a v i n g   t o   s h o p ! ! !

…

ok look, if they went so far as to steal it, then they obviously needed it
more than i….
b-but my unused giftcards…

take a deep breath…
m- m- my whole life was in there  :.(

caaaalm down…

ok, now.

peace…

ohmm…

…

…

aaahh.

…

i face the universe with positive energy.

… ok–much better now.

…

…

…

…

f**k!  i hate those f***ing a**hole weasel bastards! i hope they f***ing burn in hell!!!

.

.

.

yeah, so i concede that “i’ll hide it with my jacket” doesn’t really work.

and it was incomprehensibly moronic of me to believe it might.

it was the first time i was too lazy to put it in the trunk…

.

.

damned bastards.

.

serenity now…

s e r e n i t y   n o w !!!

there began a slow, low rumbling
followed shortly thereafter by a soft blanket of rain and
slowly building to a huge downpour and fantastic thunder
… and lights flickering.
it was completely unexpected
which made it all the more beautiful.

thunderstorms… such a treat for the senses: sight, smell, sound, touch.
put on a  raincoat and go outside just to be in it
feel the raindrops like little kisses on my face.
getting wet, feeling alive.

sitting in a parked car with the radio off
appreciate the view and the sounds of water all around.

there are certain situations… snapshots in time, really
where i truly feel one with the universe and G-d.
outside in a good thunderstorm is one of them
especially up in the mountains
far from the asphalt
and the orange glow of the city.